Desolation
by Helga's Locket
Summary: Helga's in her teens and she's got issues...lessee there's Arnold...Phoebe...and...BRAINY?!!!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold! does not belong to me, and chances are, probably never will. I'm just a poor pathetic sap with a dream…  
Author's Note: I'm not leaving you w/ an introduction. I don't completely know what this is about myself. But it's turning out alright so far, so I think I'll continue it. Sorry that I started this w/out finishing BR and CP, but I needed to take my mind off of poetry and The Loser Chronicles, and I came up w/ this. I'm trying to add more to those two stories, but I've only got like a paragraph or two more than before, and I'm still not sure if I'm gonna keep that. *Sigh* okay on w/ the story…  
Desolation  
Chapter One  
  
I lay here in bed and cry myself to sleep. No, not to sleep. I can't sleep, so I just cry.  
I can't remember ever crying before. I shed my tears from within, never do I let it show. I care too much about my reputation to let things get to me. But no, it was more than just my reputation now, wasn't it?  
In some confusing way, I'm comfortable. The way things are seem just fine with me. As long as no changes are made, as long as everything stays exactly as it is, I'm secure.  
Oh, how I hate change. Very rarely is change a good thing.  
As my tears began to dry, I stared up at the ceiling. Maybe if I focus hard enough, I can forget everything. Maybe then the memories will fade and I'll be free of this new torment.  
Emotions. Too many, they take control of me. It's almost ironic, really, that so many feelings consume me. Nothing at all what the kids at school would suspect. But then again, why should they?  
I wanted to call Phoebe, to let her know I was alright. To reassure her that things would be fine, even if she knew it was a lie. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't dare myself to pick up the phone and dial that seven digit number I knew so well.  
Ah, yes, Phoebe. My best friend in the world. I don't understand why that girl puts up with me. Why anyone does. Heck, I almost half-expected Arnold to have retaliated by now.  
Although I suppose he has done that already. At one point in time, my beloved had spilt paint on me. I deserved it, and I knew I did. It's just so hard to show my true colors when there are so many other spectators. There's too much at risk.  
So, alas, I fear I will spend the rest of my miserable life behind this mask of hatred. Wait, mask? No, it had grown to be so much more than a mask now. Although it had started out that way, my cover soon became a part of me. This anger has mended itself onto me, become an unpleasant component to my very essence.  
If only I hadn't been so cruel throughout my imprudent youth. Perhaps then the circumstances wouldn't be so harsh. Maybe then I would have a greater chance with Arnold.  
Why did I have to love him? It made no sense, really. I'm a bully, or at least I used to be. I mean, I have a shrine of him for crying out loud. I devote my life to him, though I'd die if he knew that.  
I always used to think I wanted to tell Arnold. To confess my undying love for him, to pour my heart out to him and hope that those feelings would be returned. And yet I had several opportunities to do it. Many of them potentially humiliating, of course, but they were opportunities just the same.  
Maybe the reason why I never told him despite these occasions was because I knew, deep down, that he didn't like me. That he probably never would.  
I pounded my pillow in rage. Why, why, why? Why must I be the way I am? Why do I treat him like dirt when all I want to do is give him my heart? Why is he so blind to see that?  
I gritted my teeth, answering my own questions.  
Why am I the way I am? This is who I've always been, or at least, who I've turned out to become. I treat him like dirt to hide my feelings, to protect myself from pain and embarrassment. Why is he so blind to see? I guess I do a good job of hiding it.  
I held my pillow now, imagining Arnold in my arms.  
"Oh, Arnold. How I am torn between these forces! My heart yearns for your touch; and yet, my stomach churns just as much! Can't you see that I worship the ground on which you tread ? Do you feel the very tears I shed?" I sighed tenderly to inaudibly declare my love for him.  
Such a gentle soul, my love. You possess a heart of gold. How I wish I could acquire such charm and grace. You could never understand me, Arnold. I wouldn't want you to.  
I could never measure up to your eminence. I tremble in your presence, though you can never know. I'm near to tears, yet I express only anger.  
Do you hate me, Arnold? Have I been that much of a nuisance? What can I do now? Where do I go from here? My existence is so useless, it's pathetic.  
Slowly, I fall apart. Shattering into tiny pieces, one by one. So gradual, so unnoticeable, it is hardly taken into account. I'm losing myself, and I never had the chance to find out who I was to begin with.  
Faintly, I got up out of bed. "It's time to face your fears," I mumbled to myself, heading towards that dreadful destination.  
I stood, wearily, before my own reflection. Possibly my greatest enemy.  
"Do you see what I see now? Is this who I am inside?" I spoke aloud, my voice unfamiliar.  
I glanced around the room, trying to take my eyes off of the hideous figure before me. Finding nothing interesting enough to apply any real concentration, I gave in and returned my gaze.  
"Well, this is what you're stuck with, Helga; take it or leave it. This is your life and you're just gonna have to accept it. Just deal with it."  
Was I talking to myself in third person? This just proves my insanity.  
"Miriam! Get the girl, I'm starving here!" my father's voice bellowed below.  
My already low spirit sank more, as I dragged myself to my bedroom door. I heard my mother holler as well, too lazy to come get me.  
"Helga, dear! You're supper's getting cold!"  
I suppose there's one thing to be grateful for. They did care about me. I think.  
  
Another Author's Note: It appears that Helga is older, if you didn't catch onto that. She seems to be amidst a depression of some sort, but she isn't devoid of hope, and she still loves Arnold. I don't know what's to come, or what experiences she or any other characters have had since the 4th grade, but I guess we'll all find out, won't we? *sweat drop* Hope I update soon…Please R&R. Oh, BTW, in Helga's "poem" above, did you notice that her style has slightly changed? I'm guessing she's getting into rhyming now, cuz the last few sentences rhymed. Now I shall ponder my existence and drift into dreamland…  



	2. A Trip Down Memory Lane

  
  
Chapter Two  
I'd awoken that morning with a nasty headache. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I'd taken some Advil to numb the pain, but it hadn't done any good. This migraine was overwhelming me. It just would not go away.  
I glanced across the room to Phoebe, and in that instant, our eyes met. Quickly I averted my eyes, turning them now downcast. I was so ashamed of my selfish greed, and yet, this flame from within would not die out.  
It was foolish of me to believe we'd be best friends forever. And the saddest part of all was, I was the one to end our friendship in the first place.  
Of course, Phoebe didn't know it was over. She didn't know what to think.  
Maybe I should talk to her. Explain, possibly work things out between us, get it back to the way it used to be…  
No. Things would never be the same. Accept it, Helga! Things change! Let it go and be done with it!  
Somehow, my heart took a different approach.  
But…she's my best friend! You can't just sit there and watch your friendship fall apart! You have to do something! Talk to her!  
Oh, yeah? Watch me!  
Some friend I am.  
It had all been a matter of time.  
"Helga?"  
That voice. I knew that voice. Such a beautiful tone, so deep and articulate. How my heart aches for your every breath, to feed upon your glorious existence. Your words cause my body to melt; your presence makes me crumble.  
I looked up into his eyes, so filled with concern. Is it even real? How could it be? Arnold, how could your magnificence possibly be?  
Oh, but you feel so true to me. I can see it in your eyes, the love you possess so genuinely. How can you feel any compassion for someone as cruel as me?  
But oh, how I long for that empathy. How I wish your love could be more out of passion and drive and romance. Such a childish fancy I dream, but oh, how I yearn for it to be real.  
Does your heart reach out for me as mine does you? Obviously not, though this desire does not subside. Why can't I just get over you? What makes moving on so difficult? I should just blow you off, but I can't.  
Not now. Not ever.  
I grimaced, clenching my fists into two tight balls of fury. Arnold got the hint, but he didn't back off. Much.  
"What do YOU want, football head?" I jeered.  
Inside I scream for your touch, to hold you and keep you forever. Yet this fantasy will only be just that; a fantasy.  
Arnold sighed now, obviously regretting ever even attempting to approach me.  
"Well, I just noticed that you haven't been talking to Phoebe all day, and I wanted to know if there was something wrong. You and Phoebe aren't fighting, are you?"  
Oh, yes, don't give up hope, my love! Keep persisting! Try to get it out of me, please!  
I scowled. "For your information, Arnold-o, Phoebe and I are NOT fighting. I've decided to end the friendship. For good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have lunch to attend to."  
I went back to eating, jabbing the stale bread with my fork.  
Arnold was in a state of shock. "You just ENDED it? WHY?! Didn't you even give her a reason, or anything?"  
I looked up at him sympathetically. Why was he exhausting himself with my problems? He shouldn't get so involved; he needs to learn how to butt out once in a while.  
"Look, Arnold-o, the friendship should have ended a long time ago. We were kidding ourselves to think we could form a friendship in the first place. We are complete opposites, and frankly, I'm getting kind of sick of it. Besides, Arnold, now that she has Gerald, we're bound to drift apart. Phoebe's going to become more independent, and sooner or later, I'll be in second place. There's nothing more to say, so don't bother me again about it."  
There was a sad look on his face as I got up and left him there. Was it all starting to sink in? Would his relationship with Gerald soon take a dive as well? If that were so, there was no hope for anyone anymore. Friendship as we know it will seize to exist.  
In a way, I was happy for her. To finally be free of my grasp. I wished her the best of luck with Gerald. At last she would gain her independence and find a bond she was more deserving of.  
I did not do this to hurt her. Not in the least.  
In all honesty, I did it to help her. To save her.  
Swiftly I dumped my tray, while whispering a silent plea for my childhood friend.  
"Poor, sweet, innocent Phoebe. You've lived so long trapped within this cage. Now is your chance to soar once again. Dear Phoebe, I hope you spread your wings. Take this opportunity, please."  
Just as I was making my way out of the cafeteria, distracted by my thoughts, it hit me. Literally.  
I fell to the ground, unyielding to whomever this new enemy was.  
"Hey, watch where you're going you clumsy oaf!" I raged, shaking my fist at him.  
Suddenly my face sagged and my anger softened. I scanned this face for recognition, not believing my eyes.  
"B-Brainy?" I stammered.  
  
  
Author's Note: Ooooh, I'm evil!!! I'm ending it at a cliffhanger! Man do I hate those! Heehee! Well, this chapter revealed QUITE a bit…keep in mind that I knew this would be something about Phoebe…but oh, I loved that she ran into Brainy…*smiles* her reaction kinda makes ya wonder…  
  
I'll try to have Chapter Three up soon…but no promises! I haven't even started it yet. Gaaaaah. R&R!!!  



	3. Loving You...

Chapter Three  
Brainy loomed above me, hand outstretched to take mine and lift me up. I did not accept his invitation, but instead pulled myself up unsteadily.  
My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. I hadn't expected to see him, hadn't wanted to…  
"I thought you said you were leaving," I said firmly, my lip quivering.  
As usual with Brainy, I received no real answer.  
"Uh…*wheeze*…yeah."  
We stood face to face now, studying one another. For the first time in my life, there was a shift of power taking place. No, wait, not the first time.   
I shuddered at the memory.  
"So what are you doing here?" I demanded hotly.  
An evil grin spread across his face, something that just didn't quite look right on him.  
"Well…*wheeze*…I changed my mind."  
He hadn't been looking at my face the entire time. Was he afraid to look me in the eyes? Or was he just too preoccupied in the rest of me?  
This situation was a little too awkward to be dealing with right now. Of all things, of all people to run into…I HAD to run into him.  
"Changed your mind? About what? WHAT, Brainy? Why aren't you halfway around the country by now? WHY?"  
I was furious, unable to control my anger. It had to be pretty obvious to Brainy how uncomfortable the circumstances were for me. He probably knew why, too.  
It wasn't until now that I realized how many peculiar looks I was getting. Of course, at the moment, I could care less.  
"BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" he screamed at me, making me jump back.  
Whoa. That has to be the first time, ever, that Brainy DIDN'T wheeze. Much more, he'd made an actual sentence, and yelled.  
With this on my mind, it took a while for my mind to absorb what he'd actually said to me.  
I backed away, not wanting to be so near to him. I was shaking now, and had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from making a huge scene.  
I cowered inside now, as his words sank in. I felt a tear run down my cheek and lifted my hand to touch it. I brought it away now, in a gasp, and looked up at the shocked faces before me. I was surrounded, and there was no way out. There was nowhere to run, no one to turn to…  
I fell at his knees, now erupting in the tears as the pain registered. I clutched his body to mine, holding it dear. And in doing so, I felt him bend down to meet me face to face again, and he smiled warmly as he brushed my hair behind my ear, and kissed my tears away.  
I leapt into his arms now, wanting to feel his tenderness. Maybe I didn't especially want him, but his love, oh his love. It was all I had left.  
Brainy didn't seem to mind at all. Of course, I wouldn't have expected him to. He opened his heart to me, and embraced me for what seemed to be eternity.  
I sobbed into his chest, not wanting to let go. I was oblivious to the kids crowding the hallway, many casting their eyes upon the scene I was making. I didn't care.  
But my eyes widened unexpectedly. I stopped crying and pushed him away. I walked backwards, once again determined to get away from him.  
"No. No, no, no, no, no…" I whispered, suddenly overcome with terror.  
Brainy stood up now, disturbed. I didn't blame him, but…oh, yes, I did blame him. I loathed him for caring.  
The weirdest part of all? This was all taking place just outside the school cafeteria!  
"I can't do this!" I shouted at him, backing off and getting lost into the crowd. "Not again…" I whimpered to myself, looking to the ground.  
"Why *wheeze* not?! What's stopping you!" he shouted across the hall, still uncertain of where I'd run to.  
"You know what!" I yelled back, breaking out into a run for my next class.  
There was nothing more said after that. The conversation was dropped entirely, but I couldn't take my mind off of it.  
Yes, Brainy knew why I couldn't love him, couldn't be near him. He knew being reminded of his existence sent my world aflame. That the wall between us was a thick one that could not be brought down.  
My life was becoming too confusing, too fast.  
"You know what's stopping me, Brainy. Arnold."  
I entered the room as the bell rang, just on time.  
That had to be the longest five minute break I'd ever had.  
  
Author's Note: Ooooooookay, that was a little weird, way confusing, and totally messed up, but trust me, in the end, it'll all make sense. I think. Lol.  
  
PLEASE r&r!!! PLEASE!  
  
Yes, I am desperate. So review me out of pity. If nothing else.  



	4. Life Is Funny

Chapter Four  
I'd spent the day avoiding Brainy, not wanting to confront the issue at hand. Sure, I'd brought it on myself, but I couldn't face it right now.  
I could handle being alone just fine. Maybe that's just my destiny. Loneliness, I mean. It doesn't sound so bad, really. Who needs friends, anyway? I don't.  
I eyed Phoebe and Gerald from across the hall and saddened. Phoebe was laughing and Gerald had his arm wrapped around her. They were looking at each other in sheer fondness.  
Okay, so maybe I did need friends. I don't know how Brainy does it. How he handles being a loner. Did he have any friends, really? No. And I don't suppose he ever really did.  
Whatever happened to Eugene and Curly, anyway? I remember when we were younger, Brainy had spent a lot of time with them. What had become of them? What caused Brainy to break away?  
"Not your problem, Helga. It doesn't concern you. Just move along and pretend like nothing happened. Forget he even exists," I said to myself, frustrated.  
And that's exactly what I did.  
So I spent the day concentrating on Arnold. I mean, when I'm avoiding the subject of Phoebe and Brainy, what else am I supposed to focus on? Class?  
So, I concentrated on Arnold.  
I'd purposely arranged it so that I had nearly all of Arnold's classes with him. Of course, he was under the assumption that I did it to ruin his life, but that's fine as long as he doesn't linger over the truth. That my heart aches every moment he's not there.  
Am I really that insecure now? Has it gotten this bad?  
I recalled past times now, smiling at the good memories, crying inside during the bad. Counting how many shrines I'd sculpted of him in the past several years.  
Before I knew it, school was over.  
The herd of kids trampled the school doors open, thrilled for their freedom. I loitered behind, not in a hurry to get home.  
Now, my home life is not so bad. I mean, it's not like I'm abused or anything, aside from the occasional negligence. But I'd more or less gotten used to it, so it wasn't really a big deal anymore.  
From behind me I heard a wheezing, and stopped dead in my tracks. Now normally, on impulse, I would have pounded him and walked off. I even had the urge to do that now, in some ways more than ever before.  
I took a deep breath and faced him, that familiar anxiety returning.  
I sighed, now suddenly stressed, and responded to his silence.  
"Yes, Brainy?"  
He just stood there for a long time, eyeing me. He seemed to be taking his time in his reply. Like he wasn't quite ready himself for the upcoming conversation.  
"Helga." Brainy took a deep breath and wheezed again. "Look, Helga, *wheeze* you know I care about you. I guess *wheeze* what I'm trying to get at is…well…Do you *wheeze* think that maybe *wheeze* …possibly…you could give me a chance? *Wheeze* I know this sounds *wheeze* dumb but *wheeze* there's really no other way to say *wheeze* it."  
I looked to the ground, wishing I could supply him with the magic answer he was hoping for. The words he deserved.  
"Brainy…" I stammered, touching his arm gently but quickly pulling it away, "I want to be with you, or at least part of me does. But you know there will always be that part of my heart that will forever belong to Arnold. I can't change that, though I wish I could…I think. Man, Brainy, why'd things have to go so awry?"  
Now Brainy placed his hand on my shoulder, and it sent a shiver down my spine. How had it come to this?  
Oh, yes. I remembered. I remembered oh so clearly.  
Oh so? Now why does that sound nauseatingly familiar? Oh, now I remembered. That sickeningly sweet comment had come from Lila, my childhood nemesis.  
It was so very unfortunate what became of her. Not unfortunate for me, or even for her. More so for Arnold than anything. I recalled how heartbroken he'd been at her leave, despite the fact that he'd supposedly "gotten over her". I never did buy that for a second.  
Now I smacked his hand away, not really wanting to hurt him, but annoyed that he'd sympathize.  
"NO! Don't you see?! Don't you get it, Brainy?! I can't be with you! What happened between us, that's over! It's in the past! It might as well have never happened!"   
As I said the last sentence, though, my anger had started to fade. I'd been lying horribly.  
I started to sob now, remorse for my foolish actions, for my now foolish words and feelings. Brainy tried to comfort me, and now I didn't have the strength or the heart to push him away.  
"I…I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so stupid! I'm pushing everyone away, and I don't know why! I'm so selfish! God, Brainy, why'd you put up with it? I'm so horrible!"  
"You're not stupid, and you're not horrible, and you're not-well, you are selfish, but you're not stupid or horrible, Helga. I put up with you because I love you, and I told you that already. What more do you want from me?"  
At the word "love" a pang of guilt went through me.  
"I don't want anything more from you, Brainy. Don't waste your time on me, it's not worth it."  
I waved my hand in a shooing motion, hoping he'd get the idea. But he just laughed.  
"I wouldn't call it wasted time at all. Helga, I care about you. A lot. I want to be with you. I guess you'll just have to figure out what YOU want now. Whatever your decision, I'll always be here. You know that."  
I nodded and lifted my head now, watching him leave.  
Such an odd position I'd put myself in! The only way it could get any weirder is if…  
Oh, no.  
Arnold walked up behind me, taking a seat beside me on the sidewalk. I refused to make eye contact with him.  
How much had he seen?  
Arnold cleared his throat. "Hi, Helga."  
Oh, god no. Not now, Arnold, but oh, please don't leave…  
"Hey," I replied nervously.  
"What were you and Brainy talking about?" he asked curiously.  
I laughed now, finding his nosiness amusing.  
"It's really not something you should get involved in, Arnold," I responded.  
"Oh, come on, Helga. Since when did I NOT get involved?"  
He looked at me and smiled now, and we laughed together. Arnold was finally admitting it.  
"True," I said, nodding in comprehension. "But trust me, Arnold, this is one case you're just going to have to back off in. Something I have to handle myself." I sighed and looked into his eyes now, suddenly solemn. "I just can't believe how things are turning out, Arnold. It's almost funny, you know?"  
Arnold just nodded, understanding. "Yeah, I think I do. You know, seven years ago I would have thought Lila and I would be together, and look how that turned out."  
"You never really got over her, did you, Arnold?"  
It was more of a statement that a question.  
He just nodded and looked at me strangely.  
"Yeah. And I never would have expected I'd end up having an actual conversation with Helga Pataki," he said with a chuckle.  
Normally, I would have pounded him for this, but with the circumstances I just shook it off.  
"Yeah, well, there's a lot I wasn't expecting, too," I muttered back, not wanting to discuss too much.  
"Oh, really? Like what?" he poked.  
Suddenly I caught onto his aim. Man, he'd gotten good at prying!  
I laughed at this now, realizing just how sly that boy had become. It wasn't that he'd changed so much, more like developed. I mean, he'd always been pretty nosy, I guess, so it made sense that he would improve that quality.  
"What's so funny?" he asked, not quite catching on.  
I shook my head and stood up to leave.   
"Life. Life is funny," I replied nonchalantly, walking away.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, another slightly strange chapter, though now I'm sure you're catching on. I hope, anyway. Well, now Helga's got herself in quite a predicament! Long chapter, I know. Okay, now I'd betta go! Catcha later! R&R!!!!  



End file.
